


When Things Were Light

by RobinWritesChirps



Category: Hatchetfield Universe - Team StarKid
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Family Feels, Fluff and Angst, High School, Hurt/Comfort, Pre-Canon, Teen Pregnancy, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:47:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28104978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RobinWritesChirps/pseuds/RobinWritesChirps
Summary: Tom and Becky couldn’t keep their hands off of each other and they thought they were being careful, but a missed period and a positive pregnancy test throw a cold spell over all horny endeavors. When her parents are unsupportive and Hatchetfield is judging, can they go through this stroke of bad luck together and raise a child that came too early in their lives?Barneston teen pregnancy AU, alternate reality where Tom doesn’t leave because of the bab. Fluff and angst, shit’s hard.
Relationships: Becky Barnes/Tom Houston
Comments: 50
Kudos: 13





	1. Two pink stripes

**Author's Note:**

> Been working on this one for a long while, really hoping to get it finished this week.

Becky sank into her bed the evening of the third day and clutched her pillow to her chest, trying to breathe and to think straight. Trying to convince herself that what she dreaded was an anomaly and would never come to be. She had never been late before, not once − she had considered this a blessing, as she could count on her body when planning anything ahead. Suddenly the plans were much more muddy and out of her reach if she let them slip from her. Maybe they already had.

It could be the exercise. Football season had been crazy last year and practice was much harder since they had picked her for captain in September. She had read somewhere that too much stress on the female body could make it skip its cycle, couldn’t it? The very thought of pulling out her textbooks for the sake of researching this was making her want to throw up and she fought with herself not to cry. She wanted Tom here to hold her, but he wasn’t allowed on week days, and he wasn’t allowed behind closed doors at all anyways. Pulling her phone from under her, she texted him something cute about missing him. He was at his job on Thursdays and the reply only came half an hour later, but the few words dripping with affection might be just enough to pull her to the next day.

The next morning, she puked her guts out before school. Teachers noted all day that she did look a little pale and unwell, but what would she tell the school nurse if they sent her there? There was no one in the world she wanted to confide in but Tom. Practice was all hell unleashed as her body fought desperately against herself to make every motion, every leap as unpleasant as could be. The coach yelled at her to get things right, that she was supposed to be cheer captain for a reason, but that reason was lost on Becky in this moment and cheer practice ended without much progress.

"You okay, babe?" Tom asked as they found each other afterwards − they always did. "I’m sorry the coach was all on you today."

The grassy ground under the bleachers was frozen in late November, much too cold for their poor butts, so it was to Tom’s car that they were walking hand in hand so that he could drive them back to his place. Becky loved riding in his car, that flashy red Fox-body Mustang on such a quiet boy. He was a cautious driver and had never led her to danger in any way before. Even now, he had not, she couldn’t believe that he had.

"Yeah, erm…" He opened the door for her on the passenger's side. He had always been so gallant with her, even when he was crude or horny. The one never negated the other. "Can we just hang out at your place?"

This was a stupid question and made her cringe, as that had been the plan already. Still, Tom grinned his same goofy grin that always made her feel so warm and she was for now perhaps a little bit soothed. Fourth day late, still.

"Well, my parents are home," he said. "But that’s never stopped us before."

She snorted despite herself to hide just how much she wanted to cry. They had been horny kids, that was sure, always sneaking around from their parents, but they had always been careful. Not once had they done it without protection, and all that for what? She wondered if perhaps the condoms Tom bought had been faulty, but that would have been an unfair accusation and she dismissed the thought. They, this mysterious unnamed sphere of all-knowing adults, said that even condoms used properly were not without a risk of failure. She had never thought anything would ever fail on Tom and her. Everything had always gone right for them, everything leading to a seemingly bright future. But then, how many more days of impatient torture before the scare went away?

"Are you sure you’re okay?" He asked as the car pulled into his parents’ driveway and Becky realized they had not talked the entire ride. She blinked and looked at him and smiled to ease his frown.

"Sure," she replied. "Let’s go inside, it’s a bit cold."

He wrapped an arm around her shoulders as he opened her the car door again and, even though the house was just a few steps over, she gladly took the embrace and pressed herself to his side as he led them inside. Tom never minded her being particularly cuddly.

She thought she could never face his parents, but luckily they were so used to her presence she only received pleasant smiles on their way upstairs to Tom’s room. When the door shut behind them, her heart began to throb uncomfortably. Tom was all casual, kicking off his shoes and dropping their things, passing her one of his sweaters she loved so much. Drowning in it, she felt a little braver and she tapped the bed next to her for him to sit. He made to kiss her but paused when he looked at her face and Becky knew she had not hidden her emotions well enough. The moment had come and she was not ready. Perhaps she should get used to not feeling ready.

"I…" Tom sensed her hesitating and clasped his hands around hers, smiling, and she knew she could only leap right into her fears. "I’m late. My period should have come four days ago."

She was terrified she should explain herself more, but she saw in his eyes that he had immediately understood. And that he was freaking out about it just as much as she was.

"Shit," he blurted out. "Fuck, we have to get a test."

The quick ride to the gas station was agony, all the more so with the Houstons' falsely knowing smiles thinking the trip was for a whole other sort of purchase. He held her hand the whole time and even when they rushed back upstairs, he stood just outside the bathroom door waiting for her to come out. She felt weaker than ever, at the mercy of her body who had betrayed her hopes and dreams. The door clicked as she left it open and Tom walked in after a soft knock to announce himself.

"Is it... ? I mean, did you get the result?"

She shook her head. The test lied threateningly on the edge of the sink and she did not dare to look at it while it was still too early. Even when it would be time, she still dared not. She sat there on the closed lid of the toilet and Tom crouched to take her hands in his, to look into her eyes with a smile that did not reassure her enough. They did not speak another word for a few minutes until, anxiously, she picked up the test and glanced down at the result.

" _Fuck_."

The two thin pink strips glared up at her tauntingly as she passed the test to Tom and her face sank between her palms for a long moment. Tom was still staring at the test when she looked up again and she saw how hard he was fighting not to give himself over to panic.

"Let's go to my room," he said. "You're shivering."

She realized she had been shaking rather heavily and took his hand back to his room - he locked the door behind them. She was terrified his parents could have heard, that they surely must know. Soon the whole school would, all her friends and teachers and even, she shuddered to think of it, her family. Tom sat her on his bed, gave her a blanket to keep her warm. The test was on his desk and how she wished they could leave it there forgotten and that the result would never be uttered again.

"What do you want to do?" He asked.

She sighed. She had mulled over the question for days now and she hated herself for the only choice she kept circling back to. He was a senior, she a junior, only the first term of year too. Other choices made so much more sense, but she could not make them.

"You're not gonna like what I want to do," she replied, a mumble which was anything but her typical confident self.

"Doesn't matter. It's your choice."

Tom was all the more sure of himself now perhaps to counterbalance her own wavering, to be strong for her sake and more than ever she was filled with love for him.

"I wouldn't... No, I _won't_ get rid of it. Whichever way. I understand if that's not what you..."

" _Babe_. Becky..." He corrected himself to show how serious he was. She had always known he could be, yet she was still relieved to be proven right in times of distress. "Becky Barnes, I'm not gonna run off on you, never, no matter what."

She kissed him. If nothing else, she still had this, the touch of his hands at her waist and her cheek, his heartbeat under her fingertips on his chest, the solace of his lips against hers.

"It's okay," he said softly, rubbing tears from her eyes before they could fall. "It's gonna be okay, I'm here for you. And for... I mean... for the baby..."

The word was strange even from his lips, but now that it had been spoken, it could never be taken back and the reality of the sitation weighed on her all the heavier. There would be a baby, a whole new being they had created not of their own volition. Not a single time without a condom, but nobody would believe them now. Certainly her parents wouldn't, who had grounded her for weeks when they had caught her asking a cousin how to get birth control. They had never liked Tom, but not Tom so much as the idea of their daughter dating. Now, she was terrified they might kill her for it. Such a huge thing this tiny baby would be.

"Can you..." She sniffed. She felt so pathetic. "Can you tell your parents when I'm gone? I'll tell mine."

"Of course, I'll tell them tonight."

She saw very well how lost he was despite all appearances, but he pretended just well enough that she was soothed by him. If only his strength could imbue her, but when he dropped her in front of her house and gave her one last kiss for good luck, she felt as helpless as the baby to come.

"YOU’RE WHAT?!"

Her father was in a fury, pacing around the kitchen and glaring at her like she was a stranger, not the beloved straight As cheer captain daughter he had been so proud of in the morning. Becky hugged herself, looking down at the table to avoid such fiery eyes.

"Pregnant," she muttered once more. "I’m sorry."

"You’re damn right you’re sorry," he said. His finger pointed accusingly. "I never should have let you date that dumb boy. They all only want the one thing and now look at where you’re at because of this! Oh, what is everyone gonna say…"

If she had been wittier, she would have retorted that they had only been having sex because _she_ had asked him to, but then Tom had been exceedingly happy to comply and she knew she couldn’t betray him like that by putting the blame solely on one of them, even herself. He would not have wanted her to.

"We used protection," she said in vain. "Every time, we…"

"I don’t wanna hear about how many times you played the whore!" He cried out and her heart shattered in her chest. She felt queasy.

"Honey, that’s too much, don’t be like that…"

But even her mother wasn't above his wrath and he turned to her viciously.

"Oh, _I'm_ like that?! How about _Rebecca's_ like that? As far as I know, I never got knocked up with some bastard."

He stopped suddenly in his pacing and grunted to himself.

"I'm gonna go have a drink with the boys," he said. "Tomorrow, we'll decide what we do with you. I'm not gonna let you rule over my house, that's for sure. We're not gonna let you ruin our family like that. After all we've done for you..."

"That'll calm you down a little, dear," her mother said. "I'll get your coat."

The door slammed violently behind him. She wondered what names he would call her among his friends tonight, what he would forever think of her. Perhaps his shame was truly too deep to say a word. The perspective was of no particular solace. Her mother cleaned up the table and Becky stood to help her at it, but there were no thanks, not so much as a glimpse her way.

"Thank you," Becky told her softly, "For trying to calm him and..."

But her mother's eyes snapped to hers and were filled with cold anger, as icy as her father had been burning but which cut just as deeply.

"I only did it for _his_ sake," she replied evenly. She spoke with distance that Becky thought might never be breached again. "I'm extremely disappointed in you, Rebecca. You've shamed us all."

All weekend she spent locked in her room without her phone, without a way to communicate to the outside at all. The fighting matches with her father were worse on the Saturday and worst of all on the Sunday after her parents came back from church without her. The future they were painting, if that was possible, was even more terrifying than the perspective she had had on her own and come Monday, she was half surprised to have lived through the weekend.

"Beck! Hey, Beck!" Tom called after her as she passed the school gate. "I’ve been texting you all weekend, why didn’t you…"

But he saw her face and stopped himself, instead cupping her cheek to check if she was okay. She wasn’t, but the touch helped somewhat. They found a spot a little away from crowds to have a quick talk before class.

"I was grounded," she explained to him. "My parents took my phone, they say I’m not allowed to see you anymore."

As if anyone could ever make that choice for her. As if even they could ever keep them apart. Only the two of them could make that choice, and she knew she never would.

"They want to send me away to my aunt Jessie who lives out of state, then to give the baby away."

She looked at him. All weekend she had longed for him and even in a few minutes here with his hand in hers, she was more calm already, more ready to take on the storm.

"I’m not gonna do that. I’m not gonna let them. Though I'm not sure what to do instead."

His shoulders sagged in relief as if he had truly imagined that she would comply. She had always been such a good obedient daughter, hadn’t she? But this was no longer just her life at stake and she knew she had to be strong not just for her own sake.

"I told my parents," he said. "They’re, erm, not happy but…"

He seemed to be thinking hard − this was not that common an occurrence on him and it gave him an adorable little frown, if only she could untense enough to enjoy it. He took her hand to his lips to kiss it.

"There’s still a way. They’re pissed, but they’ve said they would help. You and I could get married and then when the baby comes we’ll get our own place. We can make this work. Your parents can’t… They can’t fuck this up for us. For you."

He said this as simply as though it was the most natural plan in the world, as if it wasn’t the course of their whole adult lives being set before them in the next few months or even weeks. From the start, since she had realized she had an enormous crush on him and decided to act upon it, Becky had daydreamed about marrying Tom some day. Now that the perspective was tangible, she wasn’t sure anymore − or not yet. They were still so young, though she felt that she had aged drastically in only a few short days.

"Tom…" She patted his hand now on her lap and tried to smile. "We couldn’t afford our own place and I’m only a junior, I don’t even know if I _can_ legally get married, and we don’t have any money."

"I have a job," he pointed out. "I was gonna enroll for the country but… I don’t wanna miss out. On the baby and everything. I’ll just stay here and work full time when I graduate, I can make money for the two… the _three_ of us."

Now was her turn to be relieved. She had not been looking forward to Tom’s deployment, especially when she had expected he would want to do the mature thing, the logical thing and break up to avoid long distance. Knowing that he would stay here with her, even with every other struggle they would know, was a token of safety. They hugged and she breathed into his chest comfortably. If nothing else, she had him.

"Thank you, Tom."

They moved her out secretively later that week, as she was scared that her parents might rehome her like an unwanted dog if she lingered there much longer. One day, she hoped, they might find all the compassion their good Christian hearts claimed to have. One day, she might visit them again with Tom and the child they were to have. If they wanted her to hide away, it would be on her own terms and from them only. If sneaking around was what had gotten her in this situation, it might as well get her out of it too.

"I’ve made the bed in the guest room, darling," Mrs Houston told her during the ride home with two suitcases full of Becky’s things next to her on the backseat − how strange that the bulk of her life could fit here. "Nice and cozy for you."

"Thank you, Mrs Houston," she muttered.

She was exhausted beyond rationality. From the front seat, Tom had slid his hand behind so that he could hold hers and his thumb was caressing her palm. She realized she was terrified. She didn't know what was worse, the fear that her parents might track her down and bend her to their wishes whether she wanted to or not, or the terrible realization that they wouldn't, that they would have given up on her for good the moment they walked home to find it empty of her. She had left a letter. She could only hope they would read it and not tear it to shreds.

"Mom and dad have decided that we’d talk about… erm… you know, in the morning. Not tonight yet, let you rest a little."

"That’s very kind."

The tension was palpable even without mentioning a thing and the three of them spoke no more during the rest of the thankfully short ride. As soon as they arrived, Becky was taken aside as Tom went to carry her suitcases to the room that was to be hers. Mrs Houston began to unpack dinner, requesting her help.

"Now, you tell me quick before the boy is back," she told Becky in a low voice of secrecy. "And you can stay here no matter what you tell me, so don't you mind that. What is it _you_ want to do with the pregnancy?"

Becky stared at her. She wondered if hormones were already making a mess of her or if this was simply the overwhelming few days she was having, but she wanted to burst into sobs. She wanted no pregnancy and every outcome came with so many intricacies she hated even to think about, yet from the start her mind had been set. Years of church had influenced it, she was certain, but she couldn't make any other choice.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I can't... I can't abandon it. Much less..." She breathed in deep, yet it still came short. "I have to keep it."

She was so terribly ashamed to have to impose this on them, especially when they had always been so welcoming to her. They had always liked and trusted her, yet she had betrayed everyone. And all this with hardly a fault of her own except loving Tom...

"Tom told us that the other day," Mrs Houston said, her lips anxiously pressed together in a thin line, "But I wanted to hear it from your mouth. Becky, this isn't a flour sack you're going to have on your arms, I trust you know that."

She would have replied (though whether to apologize once more or to defend herself, she did not know) but Tom stepped into the room again and picked the plates from Becky's hands to set the table for everyone. He smiled and his eyes had warmth in them, yet she could see he was trying very hard for her sake especially.

"Everything alright?" He asked.

His mother pulled him to her to kiss the top of his head − for which she had to stand on her tippy toes, as her son was already a few inches taller than her.

"Be a good boy and go get your father, sweetheart, dinner's ready."

At dinner, they all carefully avoided any mention of the situation as Tom had promised her they would. So much of her life seemed now involved with this and there was little she could talk about without it circling back around the pregnancy. Cheerleading would only last so much longer and she was certain they would boot her out the moment she would start to show a bump. And how to prepare herself for finals and college applications was yet another mystery for the future when she would be in pain swelling up with this child. She reflected that college might not even be on the table any longer anyways, for who would lend credit to a girl without a future? She had little appetite and pecked at her meal miserably till she could take no longer.

"Can I please excuse myself?" She asked timidly. "I’m… very tired."

Tom’s parents glanced at one another with an air of worry, but they nodded.

"Of course, love, go and get some rest."

The guest room was comfortable and unfamiliar. She had never even stepped a foot in here the past years. It was ridiculous, she reflected, that she and Tom were to sleep apart at all. As if she could get any more pregnant anyways. She slipped into bed and held the covers close to her heart, fists clenched, eyes squinted shut. She felt so cold. The first night of a new much more terrible life.

The door clicked open and her eyes snapped open, but it was only Tom who smiled awkwardly.

"Hey," he said in a soft voice, as if the room was a sanctuary and not a prison.

Their hands touched over the bed cover and suddenly she pulled him to her to hug him tight. Tears began to flow out freely and she buried her sobs into his chest as Tom patted her back and kissed her hair tenderly to comfort her. It wasn’t enough and the tears kept coming, an endless gush of every frustration and pain that plagued her this week − and many, many more weeks to come.

"It’ll be okay," he whispered over and over. "I’m here. We can do this."

But she did not believe him and all night she clung to him desperately, crying and feeling very sorry for herself and for him. Tom never went back to his room and Becky cried herself to sleep in his arms. She had nothing − no hope, no prospects, no home anymore − but, she thought, she did have Tom. And that could only be where everything started and ended.


	2. A laughing stock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Becky’s pregnancy stops being a secret eventually.

Tom snuck out of the guest room in the morning not a minute too late. Becky felt that he had barely left her arms that a knock came at the door. She realized she had not changed out of yesterday’s clothes and rubbed her eyes. They were still itching from crying last night. The pillow smelled a little like Tom yet and she hugged it close. How long had she slept?

"Time for breakfast, darling," Mrs Houston said in a gentle voice, but Becky’s stomach churned in anxiety at the prospect of facing her today − and of having to acknowledge the inevitable truth none of them wanted to talk about. She pressed a palm against her belly under her shirt. So far, she felt no different at all, but she had taken two more tests during the week with no different results. Changes, she was certain, would occur much sooner than she hoped.

"I’m coming," she said and heard footsteps walk back downstairs.

She could sense the gravity weighing on the four of them at the breakfast table, which Mrs Houston served without a word. Tom was in his pajamas, looking younger than ever as he stared blankly at his oatmeal, spooning it around without eating. Mr Houston was glancing between the three of them and especially at his wife − it had always seemed to Becky that, of the two, she was the one who made the final decisions at home.

"So..."

Eliana Houston was an assertive woman whom Becky had often thought she looked up to. She was fair, though, and from the smile she gave her, she could tell that this confrontation would be rather different than the one she had had with her own parents. Losing a family to create another one was an odd sort of bargain.

"You two didn't choose to make it easy on us, huh?"

Tom sighed and ate a first spoon of oatmeal. His brow was furrowed − Becky knew how much he loathed to disappoint his parents.

"I'm sorry, mom," he muttered.

"I'm sorry, Mrs Houston," Becky repeated, who had always hoped to be on good terms with them. Today, she was particularly grateful for their kindness. "We didn't mean... We were being careful, but it just... happened..."

She was not hungry and she hugged herself as her stomach twisted in knots under her arms. She wondered how many months of morning sickness she would have to endure, if it would only get better after birth, but the very thought of birth sent her into panic and she thought of it no more. She was certain now that nobody would ever, ever believe that they had been using birth control to the best of their abilities. Nobody would ever trust them with it.

"How far along are you?" Eliana asked, digging right in.

"A bit over a month," she replied. She was feeling very timid and hated to have to speak about it, though she suspected she would have to get used to that in the next few months, perhaps years. "I was late and I took a test with Tom just the other day."

Eliana nodded. She served some coffee to her husband and her son. Becky remembered something about caffeine being unwise for pregnant women and wondered what else she would have to give up on. What she would still have left.

"We’ll get you a doctor’s appointment as soon as we can. Now, you're still absolutely sure about what you're gonna do, sweetheart? We'll do what you want, but you have to be certain."

What she wanted was to go home to her parents, forget about everything and keep on her normal life, cheer practice three times a week, hooking up in Tom’s car just as many times, cordially getting along with his parents but going back to the comfort of her room at night to take a breather away from them. Her room was the spare now, her home was nowhere at all.

"I haven't changed my mind. I want to keep it."

The more she had to admit it, the less sense her decision made, yet she had only to think of alternatives to know that they were even worse. She could not fathom the idea of getting rid of a baby, no matter how unwelcome the circumstances. Tom’s baby least of all. She knew his parents must have hated her for the choice, but she would hate herself all the more if she didn't make it.

"Well, Becky," Maxwell said in the soft low voice which was always his. His words were few and well chosen. "That’s alright, but it’s not the easy path you picked there. You’ll have to buckle up."

"We'll _all_ buckle up, Max," his wife replied as if chiding him. "It's gonna be hard, but she's not on her own. And it’s no use thinking of any other way now that Becky’s told us what she wants. Now, we have to make plans around it."

Becky had always had plans for herself, shaping up all the more as she had been successful at school in all her areas of interest. All her life she had had good grades and the teachers had always found her hardworking and meticulous − perhaps so much more because they expected little from a cheerleader, which they did not admit but thought nonetheless. She particularly excelled at sports and was well liked among the rest of the students. She tried to keep a modest head about it, of course, but she had to admit to herself that her life had been crowned with many blessings. For this reason especially, because she had always had everything together, the pregnancy was shattering every certainty she had held dear and she did not know how to think clearly.

"Yes," she said, "I’ll do whatever you like."

"I’ll work more," Tom said at once. "I’ll ask Al today, I’m sure he’ll take all the help he can get. We’ll have to buy so much stuff for the baby, I wanna pay for it all."

Eliana scoffed and reached to pat his shoulder.

"You better hope you do, love," she said. "Your father and I are getting by, but a baby costs money. A lot of it, more than we could help you with if we tried."

Tom had never been among the wealthy, Becky had already known, and she was only now realizing just how much of a strain this baby would be on an struggling family.

"I have some savings," she pointed out, anything to gain back some control over the future still so shrouded. "I babysit a lot…"

Maxwell let out some huff. If she didn’t know his good heart, she might have taken it for mockery, but even she wasn’t blind to the irony.

"You keep doing that, it’s always some practice. Though I don’t think any mother is ready before her time, and even then…"

Bit by bit, the four of them were pulling together a bigger picture of how this could all go. Doctor’s appointments were set up in advance, plans for the future. Becky had thought she had had a notion of how much hard work was involved in the raising of a child but as Tom’s parents made a list of everything they would have to worry about, she realized just how much she had overlooked. She was terrified − and also grateful beyond measure for their help.

"Well," Eliana said, finally raising from her seat after a very long Saturday morning breakfast, "I can’t say I expected to be a bubbe before a good few years. That is, I don’t mind one bit that it’s from you, Becky."

She smiled so warmly Becky could only return it.

"Thank you, Mrs Houston. I’m sorry again for…"

But Eliana stopped her there, a hand at her shoulder.

"You’ll be sorry enough when you’re sleeping two hours a night and sore and exhausted. No more apologies for now, I won’t hear it."

Changes happened more slowly the coming weeks than the sudden drastic switch of having moved for good out of her childhood home. Becky became slowly used to the pace of life at the Houstons, Mrs Houston’s doting, if slightly overbearing and pushy nature, Mr Houston’s withdrawn kindness which wasn’t unlike his son’s, except much more pronounced in his introversion. In the morning, Tom drove her to school as he always had and at night he dropped her back home before rushing to work. She picked up as many babysitting gigs as she could, but she was more tired than ever in her life and suffered for it at work, at home, at school.

For Hanukkah and for Christmas, Tom’s parents made a point of giving presents for the baby, but also for each of them on their own. Becky could not have been more grateful, a reminder that though she was to be a mother soon, she was still her own person as well. The gifts were all the more appreciated as her parents gave no sign of life throughout the holiday season. All of Christmas Day, Becky spent cuddling Tom on the couch and feeling very sorry for herself, missing the family that had rejected her. Eliana Houston, usually so keep on bonding and pushing Becky to partake in all family matters if she was to live there, took pity on her that day. She served them hot chocolate and attended to her own matters with Tom’s extended family visiting. A lot of the gifts, Becky knew, were hand-me-downs from said family. If nothing was to be given from the Barnes, this child would be a Houston through and through.

"I can’t believe you’ve already lived here for a month," Tom told her on New Year’s Eve. "It feels like yesterday you moved in."

They had retired for the evening in his room. The guest room had a bigger bed, yet Tom’s room was the one that felt most like home, a cozy little nook. Every moment they had together, they spent in each other’s arms these days to make up with the bulk of time spent working. She could hear his heartbeat underneath her ear, her face pressed against his chest, only a thin tank top between them. His fingers were slowly combing through her hair.

"It feels like much longer to me," she muttered.

Midnight was still hours away, but she was already close to dozing off. Her body being shared with another person was turning out to be more exhausting than she had assumed. Even a tiny glob of nothing as was living inside her so far.

"I love you," he said and kissed her hair, pulled her closer to kiss her lips. "Even if everything is shit, I love having you here."

The kiss was deepened − by him alone. A hand cupped her face and he made to roll the two of them around to be on top of her, but he had barely done so that he stopped, frowning. Becky’s heart sank with relief. She had not known how to tell him not to.

"You okay?"

Becky’s mouth gaped open before she could know what to say and she toyed with the collar of his old sweater for a bit. She could see the concern in his eyes.

"I, erm… I don’t really want to."

"Oh." He took a few seconds to get off of her, lying back down next to her on the narrow bed. "Sure, erm, okay. Sorry."

They had not done anything of the sort since she had moved in and all the times they had slept together had been nothing more than slumber. Becky did not know why she was so terrified still, for surely she had nothing worse to fear than what had already come to pass. Still, the thought of listening to the horny part of herself again was terrifying to her and she could not let it happen.

"No, _I’m_ sorry," she said. "I… we have a baby on the way, I know it doesn’t make _sense_ not to want to anymore, but…"

"Stuff like that doesn’t have to make _sense_ ," Tom said softly. He pulled her to him again to cuddle her just like before, except perhaps a little more flush, a little closer. "If you don’t want to, then that’s that. It’s totally fine."

"I do love you, Tom," she blurted out − she was afraid that he would doubt it. What had her father said again about boys wanting just the one thing? Yet Tom was here more affectionate than ever even after she’d refused him. "More than anything in the world."

"And I, you," he said. "So don't worry about it, babe."

His arms wrapped around her shoulders, her back, and Becky for a moment felt as safe as she could ever hope to be.

Tom was ever more attentive to her as the pregnancy went along. She had not yet told anyone at school, though she suspected that her closest friends had an inkling of the truth only from the way he acted around her, how protective and cautious of everything. At least she had him, at least they found each other between every class for a quick kiss, a few words of support. A ride together every morning and every evening, the touch of his hand in hers. And the support that came from his absence, too, how hard he was working at Al’s workshop and putting savings aside. Every time Becky babysat, she wondered if she was ready. Every time, she thought she was not.

Tom’s grades dropped a little and his midterms were less than satisfactory in the new year. He had never been a genius in the first place, he defended himself when his mother came down on him for it. So much time spent out working gave little room for studying and whatever energy he still had, he spent on the football field where his performance was better than ever. After practice, after every game, he would grin at her like he was the champion of the world and Becky hid behind a smile the worry she had every time that this might be the last time she would be allowed on the field.

Inevitably, she began to show a bump, small as it was at first. At the doctor's suggestion, Mrs Houston declared that Becky was to quit the cheerleading team and all hell unleashed, wreaking sudden havoc as Hatchetfield learned of their secret. People began to talk, at first hidden amongst themselves but very soon to Becky’s face, jokes that were never quite just jokes.

"Hey, you leave her alone," Tom grumbled, scattering away the busybodies like he would have flies from a drop of honey.

"Sure, daddy," they replied tauntingly.

"If he’s even the dad," another said.

"Of course he’s the dad!" Becky retorted, but they were already gone. She turned to Tom and felt on the verge of tears. "You’re the dad, I wouldn’t… I’ve never…"

Tom pulled her for a hug, kissed her hair. He was going to be late for class if he lingered there with her instead of running of where he was supposed to be, but Tom had stopped caring about those things. Buried in his chest, Becky felt a little better.

"I know, Beck," he said. "I know."

He wasn’t everywhere at once. Their schedules far from lined up and he caught less confrontations than not. Becky lost some friendships, whether they admitted it to her face or simply let contact dwindle away. Others were all the stronger for it as her closest friends showed her fiercer support at seeing her treated unfairly. She hated putting them in the situation of having to fence off conflict. Her seventeenth birthday came and went.

"Looks like a girl to me," the nurse said as Becky laid on the hospital bed with Tom and Eliana flanked on either side at the next visit.

Tom made some sort of sigh of relief, a grin suddenly taking over his face as he patted Becky’s shoulder in excitement.

"Oh, a baby girl!" He said. "That’s awesome."

"Is she healthy?" Eliana asked, frowning. "Is there any concern at all?"

The nurse and doctor pondered on the image on the old monitor, placed the sensor this way and that to have a closer look, and turned back to Becky.

"Nope," the doctor said. "Everything in order."

At night, Tom confessed to her that he had been hoping for a girl. He had snuck to her room this time and was cradling her in his arms, his hands over the belly bump. His face was in her neck and the embrace was making her too hot in an early spring evening already mild.

"I mean, I’d be okay with a boy, of course," he said. "But if I had to choose, I’m happy we’re having a girl."

"We don’t choose any of it," she sighed. Her hands rubbed up and down his arms comfortably. Her back was killing her recently and Tom had graciously offered a massage only earlier. "But I’m glad you’re happy."

Celibate as they were going, they still found themselves in each other’s arms every night. Becky was finding herself craving his touch, the comfort of his embrace. Every night, she thought of the house she had left behind, the life she had used to have. Not all of it was bad these days, but it was different. Much different already and bond to be much more so when the girl would poke her head out.

"What were you hoping for?"

Becky remained silent. She realized then and there how little she had envisioned the details of the future baby, but rather more the responsibilities that came with it. Night feedings, diaper changes were the same whichever way. She tried to picture a little girl and how Tom would dote on her. She tried to imagine herself doing the same and came up short.

"I was hoping for a good night’s sleep," she said, closing her eyes. "Hold me closer, Tommy."

Tom held her closer and she tried to imagine it all the more to distract herself. In the following days, she made a conscious effort of it, whether at night all alone in her big bed or during the day to distract herself from the despair, or better yet when Tom was holding her and kissing her. A daughter. They were to have a little girl together. She wondered what well of optimism Tom was drawing from, hoping she might find it for herself.

"Okay, okay, don’t open yet," he told her one night, his hands over her eyes as he walked her to her room blindly. "Don’t peek!"

"I can’t peek," she said with a grin he could not see from behind her, "Your hands are too big."

"Okay, good. One second… Go!"

He had made a nursery of the back half of the room, which had months ago ceased to be the guest room in anyone’s mind, only Becky’s and soon the baby’s. A crib built from his own hands, a little unpolished but sturdy and sitting strong in the corner, a few shelves where he had laid out the toys gifted from his family. In the new short dresser, he showed off all the baby outfits they had received, the changing mat on top, a car seat he promised would fit at the back of the Fox-body Mustang. A little plaque he had carved with the name they had agreed on. The colors were a tad mismatched and no one would have mistaken this corner for luxury, but it was overall as lovely as could be. Or perhaps the hormones were making a mess of her, but Becky felt emotional just at the thought that he would take the time to arrange everything.

"Oh, Tom…" She fell into his arms for a close hug.

"It’s not much," he said, though his smile said more than his words of how proud he was of his surprise, "But it’ll be cozy, right? I think she’ll be happy here."

She kissed him, her arms around his neck. Just as they parted, the baby made herself known and kicked against Becky’s belly so fiercely even Tom felt it and he grinned all the wider.

"Looks like it, then," he said. "Do you like it?"

"Of course," she said and wondered if it was a lie. She loved the effort, the intention, so it could only be half a lie if at all. "Thank you, Tom."

He spent the night with her, more affectionate than ever before, whispering to her all his hopes for when the baby would come. He had taken it upon himself to show enough excitement for the two of them and Becky, if she could not really follow suit, was glad to listen to him ramble on. He could always reassure her, so strongly he did and felt everything. Even when she was gripped by fear, Tom could soothe her.

The next few weeks were all the harder. She studied for her finals at the kitchen table rather than in her room, too distracted by the nursery corner to focus on school work as she was supposed to. Tom himself was only one session away from graduating and it was only with Eliana’s insistence and with Becky’s help that he studied his due, though his mind was entirely elsewhere. Baby talk was all that there was at his lips, way too caught up in the dreams of what they could be, would be, to realize what they could not. It was nothing short of a miracle that he passed all his finals and graduated at all, though Becky thought that her own success was all the more impressive when she carried with her the weight of another life ready to burst out any moment.

The day after Tom’s graduation, she had her first contraction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The bun’s coming out of the oven I guess. PLEASE comment. You don’t need an AO3 account to do that.


	3. When things get hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Becky is slowly adjusting to motherhood.

Miriam Eliana Houston was born in the early days of summer, a little ball of smiles and, though more rarely, cries from one moment to the next. The very instant she saw the light of day and onwards, Tom was not to be pried from her and for the rest of Becky's stay at the hospital, she hardly left his arms. The doctor and nurses had declared the girl to be in perfect health and from the start she proved to be a quiet, content baby, happy to be held and talked to but even more so to be put down to look around at a world she was already eager to see. She had Becky's blue eyes and a head of thin red hair that was as soft as her peach fuzz skin. Slender and a short little thing, Tom was already saying that she looked much more like Becky than him, which he professed with the brightest smile in the world. He had fallen head over heels at once.

"Holding up, love?" Eliana asked, pressing a kiss against Becky's temple. 

They were packing up to go home after a few short days of recovery. Becky had the impression that any possible thing that might have gone wrong during the birth process just about had, though the doctor had laughed and given many examples of disaster scenarios she was then glad not to have gone through. Still, a long and painful birth had ended in a blood show, an emergency caesarian section, a very healthy baby intact from it all while Becky suffered. Even after the worst workouts, the most intense days of her life up to this point, she still had never felt this sore. She wanted to lie down and fall back to sleep the moment she woke up in the morning. 

"Of course," she said, forcing a smile on her face. 

Eliana’s eyes were scrutinizing and Becky knew she saw right through her, but in this moment, she was pouring her entire strength into the pretense and could not have done any more if she’d wanted. Tom’s mother, though clever enough to know the truth, was also kind enough to not make Becky blurt it all out. 

"I’ll cook up something nice for you while you nap," she said. "I think Tom will be just fine with the little one." 

They both glanced at the new father who was presently arranging Miriam into her car seat, fussing over her blanket the girl seemed to be rejecting with wriggling little limbs. He was muttering gentle things to soothe her and it did not take long for the baby to relent to his smothering. Becky had no recollection of Tom ever particularly bonding with children before, cousins and such, but then even a quiet, stoic young man like him could be full of surprises. This one, she accepted very willingly, likely because she had surprised herself in the exact opposite way after years of taking good care of other people’s children so cheerfully. 

"Yes," she said softly. She was ashamed of herself for how well Tom took care of the child already while she was incapable of it. "He’s amazing."

"We ready to go?" Tom asked. He was grinning broad and carrying the car seat with a now perfectly happy baby as well as the hospital bag he had prepared for her weeks before the birth. Everything taken care of, there was nothing left for Becky but to go home. 

He drove them there in the Mustang, with which he had also driven Becky to the hospital in the first place. This was where the car seat was to be placed − permanently, if he were to be listened to, or at least for the upcoming few years. In every way, it was evident that he was committed to caring for the child with his entire big loving heart. Both of them in the front seat, his mother was giving him many unrequested tips which Tom was taking graciously. Becky was sitting next to the baby in the back seat and mother and child looked at each other in silence. Miriam smiled her newborn toothless smile, squinting eyes and arms wriggling, not yet used to existing in her tiny body in this big world. Becky closed her eyes, exhausted, but gave the baby her hand to play with and soft miniature fingers wrapped tight around her thumb. 

She felt no more energy later that day when she woke up from her nap than she had before – a glimpse at the alarm clock on the nightstand told her that she had slept for several hours and that it would be time for lunch soon. A soft knock came, low enough she would have slept on if she had not been awake, and Tom walked in at her reply, the baby in his arms. 

"Look who's happy to move in!" 

Becky smiled, exhausted and already in pain again. She expected him to put down the girl in her crib but instead he sat and placed her down right next to Becky on the big bed with all the care in the world. He laid down with them, his arm around Becky's waist but the baby in between.

"There," he said proudly. "Our family."

Becky tickled softly, mindlessly against the girl's little hairy head. Miriam let out some squeal of joy in reply that made Tom's eyes veil with something warm and truly content.

"Isn't she the prettiest thing you've ever seen?"

Becky yawned and did not reply. If she moved, then her belly would ache again, maybe even rip the stitches. She wondered if she would ever regain the body she had had or if it would forever be different now. She thought of last year's football season, how well she had cheered, how proud she had been of her star player. Those horny nights hidden away under the bleachers… Tom seemed to have put behind him everything that had been in their lives before the pregnancy, so devoted he was to the child they had made.

"Oh, mom says lunch is ready soon," he said, his eyes still fixed on the baby who repaid the look, staring up at him in adoration. "She made your favorite everything and she says we'll keep Miriam downstairs if you wanna rest some more this afternoon."

He scratched the baby's little chin.

"That's no problem, right, baby? You'll be okay with just daddy?"

She was. All summer, even though Tom worked long hours and Becky not at all, the girl was as much taken care of by him as by her for how he compensated every moment he was home. At his boss Al’s warm recommendation, who could not afford to take on another full time worker, Tom had been accepted into training to work for a carpentry construction company full time and then some extra. The days were long and he came home exhausted, but he always seemed to have the energy to handle the child. That was more than she was capable of after days she spent doing nothing at all. If she closed her eyes and let her imagination run, Becky could envision a version of herself as the perfect partner, picture herself giving him back rubs at night, doting on him, even making a proper home. She could imagine being the perfect teen mom who adored her daughter and woke up easily all night long to soothe her. Then she changed another blood-soaked pad, cleaned the wound down her belly, and by the time she was done, she was too exhausted to do much more. 

Despite the circumstances, Miriam was a gentle baby and content with little at all. Tom's parents praised her for how quiet she was, as if the baby had any choice in her natural disposition. She smiled often and took the bottle easily. At night, she woke them up at all hours but Becky supposed this was nothing unusual for a newborn. Tom, who believed her too fragile for it as she still healed from the birth, took onto himself the bulk of night feedings and changings. Sometimes, Becky felt as though her own involvement was hardly needed at all, as though she could have given up the fight there on that hospital bed and he would have been the same caring father without her. 

"Tommy," she loathed to ask and her voice always came out timid at night as they laid in the double bed, "Can you hold me, please?" 

He had taken to sleeping with her here every single night, the three of them in the same room − always three, never less one way or another. After his long days of manual labor, he was exhausted and would sleep like a log, but he had a sense of when the baby fussed before she outright wailed. It was a magic trick he had. Carpentry work was going just fine too, if he were to be believed. He was making okay money for an apprentice so that he could pay for his gas, for everything the baby needed, for groceries every other week to feed a household of five. Becky was in no state to work, broken down and in pain, but Tom never made her feel like a burden. She felt that all of her own volition. 

"Yeah, I’m here," he muttered. 

His arm wrapped around her waist and he pressed himself close to hold her against him. She was still hurting, but afraid to keep asking for painkillers, for any possible way to soothe this ache that seemed deeper than her wound. Perhaps it was never to be tamed and this was how all mothers lived the rest of their lives. She wished she had known that, though she knew she would have made the same choice over again if she had. She still might have been better prepared for it then. 

"Closer," she said softly, "Please." 

Tom held her closer still. His face buried in the crook of her neck, kissed her there, and he went to sleep. 

She could not remember falling asleep nor hearing a thing during the night, yet when she woke up, Tom’s arms were no longer around her. She squinted and glanced around as sunshine blinded her through the curtains. He was sitting just next to her, his legs propped up as he had laid the baby against them to stare down at her with tender love. She was awake, only cooing softly and trying to play with his big fingers he kept pulling from her grasp as a silly game. 

"Hey."

He turned to her, smiled. With his large hand, he seized the baby's little one and waved at Becky. 

"Hey, good morning," he said. "She woke up like, only twice last night, I didn't wanna wake you. She's making so much progress, aren't you, sweetheart?"

He pulled the hand to his lips to press a hundred kisses against it, then the other. He had always been such an affectionate boyfriend Becky did not know why she had expected anything else from him as a father. It reassured her to know that the child would be raised so well by him. No baby deserved ever to doubt they were loved. 

"You wanna hold her?"

She shook her head, but scooted closer to cuddle against him. Miriam’s eyes went to her and she smiled so broadly Becky couldn’t help smiling back a little. She was so tired. 

"You’re so good with her," she told him. She arranged her head just right against his shoulder and nestled at his side like this, she could have remained here for the rest of the day if she could. In only a moment, he would have to get ready for work and she would have to get ready to care for the baby, but till then she had a little slice of quiet bliss. "I love that you are."

Tom gently poked the girl’s little nose, her soft round cheeks. He still promised she looked just like Becky, who could not see the resemblance he was describing nearly as well as he did. 

"I can’t help it," he said. "When I hold her, I just feel… calm. And sure of who I am. Of how I’m meant to be. You know?" 

She did not know. She did not understand how he knew. 

School started again. She was barely healed enough to be walking up and down the halls all day long Monday through Friday, but classes did not wait for her recovery to start again. Eliana and Maxwell took care of the child when she was out of the house and Tom again when he came home a few hours after her. He had grown so fast, they were saying. Barely out of school and he already looked like an adult, adapting to his new responsibilities like it was hardly a struggle at all. 

Becky was a foot into that new life, of course, with every diaper changed and bottle fed and every time she rocked the baby to sleep. She no longer wanted to babysit for more money, though Tom was already talking about getting their own place the next year after she graduated. All of her friends were busy deciding where they would apply for college, most of them already done with the process altogether and eagerly awaiting a response. She was a foot still in the old life too, but not enough to be part of that same rush towards the future. Halfway into the life she had to give up, half into the new one she didn’t belong to, she no longer quite knew what her own future looked like. 

"So, what does she look like?" A friend asked excitedly about the baby. "Is she like super cute?" 

Becky made herself smile. The other day, Eliana had bought a disposable camera and Tom had shot some pictures of the baby to send to family out of town, but he had given Becky one to keep in her wallet and she showed it to her friend. Immediately, the other girl beamed with joy.

"Aww, she’s adorable! Miriam, right?" 

"Yep."

Her friend looked at her oddly and Becky wondered what more she could say. Surely, a mother should be overflowing with anecdotes about her child to dump on everyone around. Surely, that would be what she should do, but even raking her brain she could not think of a thing. The bell rang for classes starting and the friend quickly shoved the picture back into her hands. Becky put it back into her wallet and went to class. 

Days and weeks passed the same as any other. Miriam was sleeping through most nights and Becky relished in those mornings she woke up in Tom’s arms before he would think to rush to the baby. Nothing was as comforting as his embrace. The pain was slowly subsiding, her period had come back. At Eliana’s strong suggestion, she had discreetly gone to the gynaecologist and gotten an IUD installed, though there was as of yet no need for it. Becky wondered if she would ever feel the craving to make love with Tom again. The very thought terrified her, this part of herself torn and bruised and shameful. Tom had given no sign of wanting her anyways. She supposed it did not matter anymore. A family was not the same as a couple. 

"Hey, mommy!" Some guys cried as Becky made her way out of school one day. It was late October and she had been morose all day thinking back on last year − likely, the conception must have happened somewhere along this time, one of the last times she had given herself freely to Tom. "Ready to make a little brother?"

"Shut up," she muttered, passing in front of them, but they followed her to the gates. 

"Come on, your boyfriend’s not gonna know…" 

But Tom was just outside waiting for her, sitting against the door of his car. He was just out of work, always early on Fridays, and sweaty overalls or not, scruffy hair, she loved him more than she ever had as he grunted at the freshmen behind her.

"What’s going on here?!" He cried out, feeling the tension. 

"Oh shit, daddy’s here."

They snickered together, so very much like children. 

"Don’t call him that!" Becky protested. "Let’s just go, Tom." 

"Sure," one of the guys said, "Sure, go make a second one. Cheaper by the dozen, right?" 

Tom was ready to keep the confrontation going, to defend her honor or whatever righteous concept existed in his mind, but he had barely taken a step that Becky found another unexpected knight in shining armor appearing out of thin air. 

"Hey, leave her the fuck alone for once, dickhead!"

Becky was as startled as Tom by Emma's outburst, but not as much as the bullies. Without asking for more, they scattered away and Becky smiled sincerely for the first time of the day at this idea that Emma would be more frightening, short and skinny and so very grunge, than her lumberjack of a boyfriend in his work overalls. 

"Emma…" Becky said. She was not quite sure what to say. Emma had never had much to say to her and even less kind words. "Thank you? Thanks." 

Emma shuffled from one foot to the other, her hands shoved in her pockets.

"It’s not right," she said in a mutter barely intelligible. "They can’t just make fun of you for that shit, that’s stupid." 

Tom wrapped an arm around Becky’s shoulders protectively. 

"That’s right," he said. "They can’t. Thanks, Emma."

She looked at him up and down and snorted.

"I didn’t do it for you." 

With those terse words, she walked away. Tom opened the car door to Becky who slowly sat down, her backpack between her legs. She was staring into the distance but turned to him when she realize he was not driving them home yet. 

"Babe, are you… are you okay? Like really?" 

Becky passed one breath, another one. She smiled. 

"Of course," she lied softly. "Why wouldn’t I be?"


	4. To make it alright

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tom and Becky have a much needed talk together − and get a happy ending.

She woke up after him in the morning again, a bed she felt empty of him before even opening her eyes. Becky had never thought of herself as overly indulging or lazy, yet pregnancy had made her more slothful and tired all the time and she had yet to catch up so many days of broken sleep. She sighed.

"Hey, angel," Tom whispered and startled her a little.

She felt his weight as he sat at the edge of the bed and his fingers combed gently through her hair when she looked up to him. He smiled. She was a bit chilly and tugged the blanket close around her. Saturday morning, nothing to worry about except...

"Mom was thinking of taking Miriam with her to brunch with her friends," he said. His fingers stopped at her cheek, warm and comforting. "Is that okay with you?"

A weight was lifted from her shoulders only to fall back all the heavier as the guilt caught up. She nodded.

"And I thought we could go on a date or something. I got the day off, we could go see a movie, grab a meal, hang out."

Becky pulled the blanket up to her chin to hide her grin. She missed him. They lived and slept together and yet she missed him so acutely it was yet another layer of pain to the pitiful tapestry of this year.

"Do you wanna?" He asked, as if self-conscious − as if Tom ever grew self-conscious. "Just the two of us…"

"Yes," she said, very sure of herself. "I would love that."

He couldn’t, wouldn’t have had the idea of spending a day away from home before last night’s car ride, she was certain. Though he had not pressed her to speak more than she was comfortable with, she knew very well that she had worried him and today’s date day could only be born from his compassion and pity. Still, she enjoyed herself so much she wondered if she was dreaming. The second Harry Potter movie was out and even if Tom had read none of the books, he still indulged her in the movie and even claimed he had enjoyed it as they left the Cineplex.

"Are you just saying that?" She teased.

"Honest! You know I’m always honest."

Hand in hand, they were on their way to the food court of Lakeside Mall, heading towards a stand he knew she liked. He watched her eat, only pecking at his own meal and sliding his portion of fries towards her when he saw she was done with hers. He had never been much of a talker and Becky made sure to keep all conversation lighthearted, chatting about the movie, about school, some silly gossip. Despite it, she felt a tension, not so much from what they were doing here but because she was convinced he would have been thinking only of the baby all day when she was not. She felt horrible guilt for it, which she supposed was the opposite to the sort of day he had meant for them to have − another reason to feel guilt, spoiling the day in her own mind.

"I was thinking we could just go to the beach at the lake," he offered after grabbing two choices of desserts for her Becky wolfed down enthusiastically. "It’s pretty this time of year."

"That sounds nice."

On the short walk to the lake, though, hardly a word was exchanged and her stomach began to twist anxiously. Snow had fallen overnight, a thin white blanket over Hatchetfield, muddied under their footsteps. The sun was shining and she was certain soon everything would be wet sticky mud but for the moment, it was a lovely sight. Tom’s hand was warm around hers and he had given her his scarf.

"There’s that bench over there," he pointed. "It’s kind of nice."

A little way further down the path, an old wooden bench was surrounded by willow trees and was about as much privacy as they could expect. Becky smirked to herself at some memories of previous dates here a few times in the past. People had sat here before them today, yet Tom still cleared up remnants of snow for her.

"You want my jacket? Maybe we should have gotten in the car…"

He wrapped his jacket around her without even waiting for an answer, which still came as she protested.

"You’ll get cold!"

"I’m a yeti," he said, teasing. "I don’t get cold."

Of his own decision and perhaps sleep deprivation was making every choice count every morning, Tom had stopped shaving every day since the baby was born. She passed her fingers through the short beard and smiled at him. These days, her smiles were less boundless and constant than they had been before it all. She knew to appreciate them when they came.

"You look like a dad to me," she told him, scratching under his chin like she would a dog. "Hairy and all."

He grinned.

"I _am_ a dad."

From playful as could be, Becky grew quiet and stared at the lake. Plaques of ice were floating here and there as the cold was not yet so steep to freeze the entire surface. She tugged the jacket closer. Tom sat back against the bench and made a gesture to hold her, but refrained from it before any contact was made and sighed.

"Beck, just... talk to me, alright? Just... just tell me. Whatever it is."

She did not know what to say. She barely knew what she was feeling, as she had always been more keen on helping others than herself. She looked down at her hands as though she would find any answer there, but she had not the slightest idea of where to start.

"I…"

She could feel his eyes on her, burning through. The few dates they had spent here so long ago had been filled with making out and giggling and making each other very happy the way only two horny kids in love knew how. And now, even just on their own, they were supposed to be…

"You’re… a great dad. You’re very good with her."

He nodded and she knew once more how secure he was in this new life, certain of his skills and his bond with the baby. Or perhaps just intent on listening to her earnestly and not muddying the conversation with false modesties.

"I read a few books," he said. "From the school library, when you were pregnant. I mean, I don’t think that taught me much of anything, but then the moment I saw her, I just… It felt right. You know?"

Becky bit her lip. She wanted to cry.

"I _don’t_ know," she admitted, low and ashamed. "I… I think there’s something broken in me, I see how you look at her and I just… can’t do the same. Feel the same." She closed her eyes. "I’m the worst mother in the world."

"Becky," he cried out, startled. His arm wrapped around her shoulders to pull her to him. "Of course not! What are you talking about?"

She buried her face in his chest and felt his hands in her hair combing softly, soothingly. Perhaps this was easier, not having to face him to admit her shortcomings.

"I don’t feel like a mother," she muttered and her body shook with the pain of having to admit it. "I know I’m supposed to be, but…"

Her fist bunched up the fabric of Tom’s shirt and she felt him rearrange the coats around her for her comfort. He kissed the top of her head.

"Okay," he said. "It’s okay."

"No, it’s not!" She whimpered. "It’s… it’s not normal and she deserves more and I know you’re doing amazing but she should have us both and I just… I don’t know how to…"

 _How to love her like he did_ , she thought, but even at a moment of confession, the thought was vile and she could not speak it. How to love being her mother. How to love herself. Tom’s hand rubbed up and down her back and she breathed out anxiously. He took some time to find his words.

"Well… You don’t let her starve," he said, hesitant. "You change her diapers, you don’t let her just cry."

Even in the cold, he was so warm against her. In his arms, she felt safe, even to confess everything wrong with herself.

"I thought… no, I mean, I _assumed_ you were doing great with her. With the babysitting and all, and you’re so nice and good with everyone, I never thought…" He sighed. "I’m sorry. I shouldn’t tell you that."

"I’m sorry, Tom."

But he shook his head. He pulled from the embrace to look at her and she felt so vulnerable, so ashamed to face him. He was stern, but not angry, which she supposed was better than the worst.

"I’m glad you told me and… and sorry I didn’t notice. Not before yesterday."

"I didn’t want to tell you. I thought…" She scoffed at herself. "I thought it would just come to me some day."

"It still might," he said, frowning pensively. "We can fix it, we can help you. Babe, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for our family."

That afternoon, when Eliana came back from her brunch, they took the baby upstairs to the room the three of them shared. Tom laid her safely in the middle of the bed and they sat next to her on either side. The child blinked lazily, barely up from a good nap. Slowly, her little limbs woke with excitement.

"She likes it when you boop her nose," he said. "I don’t know why. She does."

Becky felt silly having to learn how her daughter worked from him, but she did as he suggested and the girl broke into a big toothless grin. She put her palm on her tiny torso, feeling the warmth at her fingertips. It was so hard to see her under a whole new light, this little thing who had come into her life to wreck all she had known, but Tom smiled encouragingly.

"She likes to play with fingers, and she likes it when you tickle her belly."

Becky did as he said and was rewarded with more of the baby’s laughter. It was so simple to get a reaction out of her. Simple wants, simple needs, all the joy in the world to reward them. She smiled timidly.

"Do you wanna hold her?"

Becky picked her up − and never let go. She laid there all afternoon with the baby on her chest, reading a book as Tom helped out his mother downstairs. She was, though Becky had known this before, truly a whole person of her own. She had her own quirks, her own whims. Now out of the womb, she lived and breathed all of her own self, a small loaf of joy. Unique as she was. And if there was a barrier between them, Becky knew now that she was devoted to breaking it down to the best of her abilities. Miriam did look a lot like her, she reflected as she saw their faces together in the mirror. She looked a little like Tom too, but mostly she looked like herself. And she was the most beautiful baby in the world. Learning to love her ought not to be so hard after all.

She and Tom made love that night, sneaking back to Tom’s old room for some time together, just with each other. Tom held her close in his arms and made her feel like the girl she truly was again, the girl she wanted to be. The woman she had to be but perhaps, with his kisses and his support and the love of his embracing her, perhaps being who she was meant to be wasn’t so hard anymore. Perhaps she could learn to be that.

It took more than one afternoon to get her heart back on track. More than a week, a month. Before she knew it, she had been living at the Houstons for a full year and Eliana surprised her with a nice special meal to celebrate the occasion. Another Christmas went by without her parents peeping a word, but this time, Becky had a child who was celebrating it for the first time and she was too busy showering her with gifts the sting was not as painful. The family she was building had come to mean so much more to her than the one she had left behind.

Miriam grew every day. She became more joyful, more aware of herself and of her surroundings. Some growing pains made a bawling mess out of her a lot of the time, but Tom had taught Becky all his best tricks to soothe her. No longer comparing herself to him, they both relied on each other to learn this strange mystery that was parenthood. Above all, they too were growing and there was no one else in the world Becky would have wanted at her side to grow up with.

"Yo," Emma said, randomly plopping in front of Becky at the school cafeteria at lunch.

Becky eyed her curiously. She had not forgotten Emma’s kindness a few months prior. People had mostly left her alone after that and she had cautiously kept a close circle of friends without being bothered too much. Emma had not been part of it, but that door had always been closed on one side only.

"Hi, Emma," she said, smiling.

There were many sassy remarks she might have come up with, but she bit her tongue and waited for Emma to speak.

"Is… erm… Is your baby doing good… ?"

Becky smirked and played around with some food in her plate. Emma’s eyes were glaring down at her own.

"What do you want me to tell you? She’s been on solids and she loves bananas? She’s started to crawl and Tom babyproofed the house last weekend? I didn’t know you cared about babies."

Emma frowned.

"I _don’t_ , I just… Ugh, forget it!"

She made to stand up and leave but Becky caught her back by the arm.

"No, no, stay, I’d… I’d like for you to stay."

Emma sat down again and began to nibble at her meal angrily.

"Alright." A pause. "Thanks."

They became almost-friends over the next few weeks, an unexpected piece in the puzzle of Becky’s life slowly falling back together in a picture she was starting to like. Some areas were still jagged and empty, some were darker than she would hope. She had friends, though, Emma and others who supported her and treated her like a peer. She had family, too, of course Tom and their daughter but Maxwell, who nodded at her and smiled and told her she was doing very well, and Eliana, who loved to share baby pictures of Tom and tell stories of his childhood. She had a future, if slightly less bright than it had been, at least more and more tangible every day. She was to enroll in community college next year and hoped to become a preschool teacher at the end of her studies. Looking at her daughter’s happy face in the morning, she could not find any other choice that would make her happier. She had always loved children after all.

"Today’s the day," Tom said solemnly, but broke into a grin hiding nothing of his excitement. "I’ve been waiting for this."

Becky nestled against his bare torso, their legs entwined despite the warm early summer morning. Her finals had ended only a few days ago, but they were to move into their new place before the school year was officially done and get settled in over the summer. Miriam would celebrate her first birthday at the apartment and Tom’s parents would be topping the guest list without a doubt.

"Mmh, it’ll be nice to be on our own," she said, kissing his shoulder where she was resting her face, cuddling. "Hard, but nice."

Tom nodded. Soon, they would have to pay their own bills, live independently, learn so many skills Becky could not even count. She was ready for it, though. She wanted to be.

All day was spent from one house to the other. Tom had rented a van for the day, but he and Becky were to do the hauling on their own and all boxes had been packed hastily in the days prior. It was hard work and harder still to decide where to place their scarce possessions in the new place, to create this new space they were to dwell in starting tonight. Long hours of labor passed until finally, the apartment turned into a home and they were ready to live in it with their daughter.

They went back to pick up Miriam after everything was where it ought to be. Becky fussed over some last details of the bedroom, changed things here and there before Tom suggested they let the girl choose for herself over time and she could only agree − for her sake as much as her daughter’s. He kept his hand on her lap during the ride, smiling at her in short glances in the rearview mirror. Becky felt happy.

"Mama!"

Like clockwork, ever since she had learned to utter the word, Miriam could not keep it out of her mouth and she repeated it a few times as her short little legs stumbled towards Becky. She had been sitting on Maxwell’s lap and babbling a wordless jumble of happiness to him but at her squirming demand, he had given her back some freedom putting her down and the mother embraced her child warmly after only a few hours of separation.

"Has she been good?" Tom asked.

"And what would you do if she hadn’t?" His mother replied, but she smiled and mussed his hair. "Yes, she’s been very good. You know that."

But she turned sentimental all at once and pulled him in for a tight hug.

"Oh, honey, you’re really leaving…"

Miriam seemed to be noticing her grandmother feeling upset and reached out her arms to pat her shoulder − her little toddler pats that were more slaps than anything. Eliana pulled slightly from the embrace, Tom’s arms still around her, smiled a sweet sort of sad smile. Maxwell rose from his seat to come and hold his wife and son in his arms.

"You’re a good boy, Tom," he told him gently. "A good man." He turned to Becky and invited her in. "And you’re the best of young ladies, darling."

Trapped between the four adults that comprised her life, Miriam did not know who was to be comforted anymore and she nestled close against Becky, a little overwhelmed. Of course, goodbyes had to be made, of course, they had to leave eventually after renewed professions of affection. There were promises of many family dinners very soon and finally, they were out on the road driving home. Tom and Becky glanced at each other from the front seats, both glancing back periodically at the little girl who was humming to herself strapped in her seat behind them. Half of her toys had been left at his parents’ home, who would be looking after her during school or work hours in lieu of daycare, but she had taken her favorite plushie with her and was hugging it tight.

"Here," Tom said. "We’re home."

He carried Miriam in his arms, but they had barely crossed the threshold of their little apartment that she squirmed to get down and began to run around every room to explore this brand new world she would inhabit. It was a small world, for sure, a couple of bedrooms, a narrow bathroom, a kitchen that doubled up as dining and living room. Still, it was a home. It was theirs.

"Mama," she said excitedly once she reached her new bedroom she would share with no one else and tried to grab all of her toys at once in her arms − most of them fell away and scattered behind her in a trail. "Mama!"

Becky sat on the little couch Tom had bought for their daughter, child-sized as it was. He joined her and held her by the shoulders, kissing her temple.

"Isn’t it lovely?" Becky asked Miriam. "Do you like it?"

"Yeah!" She replied in that thrilled, squeaky high-pitched voice only toddlers could have.

The girl and a considerable pile of toys made their way between Tom and Becky onto the couch. Tom touched her soft thin hair which was slowly growing out. She kept glancing between the two of them before closing her eyes tight and slouching against the back of the couch with a satisfied sigh.

"Well," Tom said in a low voice, "We’ve exhausted her."

Becky smiled. Miriam was nuzzling her favorite toy against her cheek, some gray bunny Max had bought for her on a whim at a 99 cent store. She booped her little nose and the girl giggled softly before yawning and snuggling close.

"And she’s exhausted us a little bit too," she said. "But we love her so."

They looked at each other gently. It had been a long day and a real workout to carry everything up to this little place, but it was done now and they were settled in for a good few years here. Here, they would be happy. The child would grow and thrive and they would make the best of it.

"I love you," Tom whispered − he was already afraid Miriam might be trying to fall asleep.

"I love you too," she replied, touching his hand, clasping their fingers together.

In another lifetime, they would have taken their time, tasted and savored every moment of those few years when one is not quite yet an adult, but not a child anymore. She might have gone to a better college, he might have enrolled for the country and made better money. Their first place might have been a little bigger, more luxurious − but all at what cost? Sitting here with her daughter and the man she loved, Becky was glad to be living in this reality and none other. For all the struggles, she would not have traded it for any other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave a comment! you don’t need an AO3 account you can just pop down and drop a comment like that.

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT! I know Barneston isn’t everyone’s favorite ship but all my fics about them are so much less popular than the rest, it’s really disheartening.


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